7 Tips for Surviving the Holidays

By Gail Allen

Surviving the Holidays can be tough for anyone, but when you've come from a dysfunctional family it can mean something entirely different!  Keep reading for our helpful tips on how to survive this holiday season.

Save Yourself the Disappointment.
Stop going to the tire store to try to buy doughnuts! Hear me out, the "tire store" is your dysfunctional family. The "doughnuts" are all the love, affection, and support that you want and deserve from them. Unfortunately, no matter how much you may wish it, the tire store just doesn't stock doughnuts. When we stop going to people for things that we wish they could give us, but they're incapable of, we save ourselves much disappointment and pain.

Be Realistic with Your Expectations.
Holidays trigger emotional flashbacks. Hallmark and other commercial stores know that secret. Feelings, memories, and idealizations are constantly being pulled to the forefront of our brains this time of year.... both the good and the bad. Be realistic and compassionate with yourself and your expectations this time of year!

Give Yourself Time to Heal.
In dysfunctional families, when past trauma gets mentioned, it's typical for the victim to get shut down and told to "just get over it," the experience minimized, and the victim dismissed as being overly dramatic. The problem with that thinking is that our bodies, not just our brains, hold onto the trauma. Not to mention that trauma forever changes our brains! Healing wages war on the trauma and our bodies are the battleground. If you feel extra exhausted after spending time with family, that's not a judgment on anything, other than healing IS exhausting! Be sure to give yourself a little extra time alone, or with people that feel safe, to heal during the holiday season.

Be Mindful with Your Partner.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, during the holidays, it's normal for your emotional reactions to be heightened, especially towards your partner. No matter how loving and supportive your partner is towards you, you may find yourself blowing up at them over little things and not understanding why. The safer you feel with them, the more likely you'll feel comfortable expressing all of the pent up anger and resentment you've bottled up and carried around with you since childhood. Be especially mindful of noticing when you're projecting your own unresolved trauma, pain, and insecurities onto them. Remember that they're not the reincarnation of the people who caused your wounds in the first place. If you find yourself accusing your partner of being "just like my mom/dad/sibling/grandparent/creepy uncle, etc" because they made a mistake or teased you, give yourself a moment to step back, breathe, and evaluate the situation. There may be issues to be addressed, behaviors that need to be modified, or conflicts that want resolving, but it'll likely be more effective to do so from a place of calmness, without projecting your own stuff from the past.... and the emotions that come with it...onto the present.

It's Okay to Slow Down.
This time of year, it's not only socially acceptable, but completely "normal" to stay so busy, stressed out, and worn out that your body has no choice, except to stay in Survival Mode. This is a trauma response and fear- based distraction from what you might be forced to acknowledge if you gave yourself permission to slow down and process.

Pain Is Not an Excuse.
"Hurt people, hurt people" isn't a free pass for someone to abuse you, disrespect your boundaries, or continue unhealthy patterns. You can understand the reasons that someone behaves the way they do, have compassion for their struggle, and still hold them accountable for their behavior. Their pain is not an excuse to inflict pain on you and you can still hold them accountable for the devastation and destruction they cause.

Healing Isn't Easy.
When you start to heal in a dysfunctional family, people will notice, especially when they aren't able to push your buttons or cross your boundaries the way they're used to. They'll feel insecure and unsure of this new you and take out their fears of change on you.
They'll resent that you've changed. They'll resent that they can't take advantage of you anymore. They'll resent that you no longer enable their dysfunction.
They'll deliberately misunderstand you. They'll put you under a microscope and use any perceived shortcomings and mistakes as proof that you're not actually healing. They'll tell you and anyone else who will listen about how YOU'RE the problem.
Self- examination is hard work. Growth and change is difficult. Healing takes time and commitment that not everyone sees as worth it. That's ok. You're not healing for them. Keep going. You've got this!