Are you a burden?

By Gail Allen

​For many survivors of childhood trauma, we spend our lives believing that we're burdens and burdensome. Likely, our parents raised us living in Survival Mode themselves, unaware that we couldn't help but noticing how much easier their lives would've been, if we simply didn't exist. True, we didn't ask to be born. Likely, we wish our parents would've waited until they had had the financial stability and emotional maturity to give us AND THEM better lives.
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But we didn't get that choice, barring what you believe about soul contracts and what have you. Nonetheless, we take the message from childhood that life would be easier for those around us if we simply didn't exist. And we keep that message into our adult lives. It might be low key or insidious.... just a nagging sub-thought in the back of our minds that we're too ashamed to voice, but it's there.

Meanwhile, we never in a million years think that about our own partners or our children. Contemplating a reality without them probably never even crossed our minds and the thought fills us with terror and profound sadness.

The truth is, you're not a burden anymore than ANY of us are burdens in relationships. ALL of us bring our partners our uniqueness. We love in ways that only we can. AND we all have our own challenges and potential for healing.

Is healing from trauma challenging? Yes. Absolutely. Does it require your partner to be understanding and supportive? Probably. It definitely helps. But no more than any other challenge. And life is challenging. Healthy relationships are challenging. We all need support and understanding in relationships.

Having a partner means that you want to take on at least some of their burdens. Or at least some of their burdensomeness. You want to face challenges and obstacles together. You want to grow together and stand side -by -side with them through the fires of life.

If you've ever been in a relationship where the other person stays super private about their feelings, hyper- independent in their struggles, and keeps up a constant facade of "fine-ness," you know how lonely and isolating it can feel. It doesn't feel satisfying or reciprocal.
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I know, I know. It's easy to think that there's no way that anyone could ever love you if they REALLY knew you. If they knew the thoughts in your head, they'd run away scared. If only they'd known the real you, they'd never said yes even to a first date. We find it almost impossible to believe that our partner might feel the same way.

But the truth is, when we enter relationships, we WANT to assume some of that burden that is the other person. We WANT to worry about and care about another person. We WANT to know and share their pain. We WANT to help them feel and function at their best. We WANT to share our strengths.... and our weaknesses. We WANT to be stronger together. We want the other person to have a happier, better life with us than they would without us.

Are relationships burdensome? For sure. But so is isolation. Humans, by our very nature, are relational creatures. It's not a glitch, it's an evolutionary feature. Trauma survivors especially tend to think that we're nothing, EXCEPT a burden. That the world would be better off without us in it. So we avoid relationships, or we isolate in our lows, to avoid feeling like a burden.

Spoiler alert: every human being on the planet...is a burden. ALL OF US have special needs in our lifetimes.
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But newsflash: we all also have unique gifts of love to share. We all are pieces of the puzzle that leave a hole if we're not here. We're all a supporting role in other people's movie. Don't let the fear of not being enough keep you from accomplishing your mission on the planet!