Freedom from Shame

FREEDOM. Let’s pause for a moment and really reflect on that word. What does it mean to you? What images does it bring to mind? For many people, it likely is associated with some type of Independence Day celebration. Maybe fireworks, cookouts, parades, and patriotism come to mind. For others, maybe it’s associated with certain rights and privileges we’ve come to enjoy. Perhaps it’s a physical sensation in the body associated with lack of commitments. According to the Mirriam Webster Dictionary, there are lots of definitions of the word. The one that stands out the most to me is, “liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another.”

So...what holds us in bondage? Collectively as a society and individually? What holds YOU in bondage? For me, and likely I suspect, for you also, one source is shame. Shame. Now that’s an interesting word! Have you ever wished shame on your pet or child? (“SHAME ON YOU!”) Maybe you have distinct memories of someone wishing it on you as a small child. Maybe there’s a visceral, physical response that you even associate with these memories. Something so embarrassing that you hoped (or at least, hoped then) that no one would ever find out about it. Something that would stay hidden. That note that you got caught passing in class that you reallllllllyyyyyy didn’t want to read out loud. That email, job situation, diagnosis, or indiscretion that you hope your family and friends never hear about. That chapter from the book of your life that you silently pray doesn’t get read aloud in church… nope, not even at your funeral!

To me, shame is often associated with guilt, but it isn’t the same. Guilt is usually an empathetic response. You did, said, or influenced someone that directly resulted in someone else's pain and you regret it. Shame, on the other hand, can be the result of something you might feel guilty for, but you can’t make amends because you hope no one finds out what happened. Shame is also considered the result of others’ (particularly our early life caregivers) anger, neglect, or even their projection of THEIR stories! And then there’s trauma. Something terrible happened to us that was completely out of our control, but we’re stuck in the feeling. Shame is often experienced by those who are told that their human existence isn’t as beautiful and miraculous as other humans experiencing life on this planet at the same time we are. We stamp labels on ourselves and others and try to stuff this miracle of incarnation into a neat box with a pretty bow, and if things don’t fit, it makes us uncomfortable. 

But it gets awfully heavy, doesn’t it? Walking around with our hands cuffed to the things. Sometimes it becomes so wearisome that we flip the switch and decide instead that we want everyone to see it, hear it, and experience it until it becomes our whole identity. Unfortunately, that doesn’t unlock the handcuffs, though. In fact, sometimes, it might even make them feel tighter. 

So what can we do? How do we finally find FREEDOM? Well, it’s not easy. It may even require professional support to move through all the things. But if and when you’re ready, here are some suggestions:

1. Name that thing. What is your source for shame? What’s the thing that comes to mind when you read those words? Can you whisper the words? If so, do it. Again. The next time a little louder. If you’re somewhere by yourself, keep going until you screaming the words. Maybe in the mirror. Maybe have tissues nearby.
2. Allow yourself to experience all the emotions as they come without judging them. Pain. Anger. Guilt. Sorrow. Invite them in. Thank them for showing up for you. Notice what they have to say. And when you’re ready, hand them their coat and hat, and invite them to leave!  
3. If you can, write out the story of what happened. As thoroughly as you might like. You can use paper, leaves, wood - whatever works for you. This doesn’t have to be full sentences… it can be words, phrases, or even pictures.
4. If you can do so safely, build a fire. Say the words on the materials as you toss them in the fire.   
5. Sit with your fire. Ask your Source to help you release the shame you associate with this story. Watch as the words are sacredly transformed from one form to another. Just as this story is still part of your history, but the feelings associated with it have now hopefully changed, the material that has burnt has also changed. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed - it only changes forms. 
6. Before you safely extinguish your fire, release any and all feelings that you no longer wish to experience. Allow gratitude to start to fill you from the inside. Breathe it in and expand it through your body.   
7. Know that this isn’t a quick fix or magic cure. It may take more than one fire! Seek as much support as you need and want it. Tell your story over and over to yourself, as much as it feels safe to do so. If it feels appropriate to you, consider sharing it with others. 
8. Use the rest of the material in this course to propel yourself forward!

Let me please reemphasize here that this is not an easy process! Sacred fire burns (figuratively, and sometimes literally) very hot! But when your whole sense of being longs to let go, begs for release, it can be very freeing. “The buddha called suffering a holy truth, because our suffering has the capacity of showing us the path to liberation. Embrace your suffering and let it reveal to you the way to peace,” Thich Nhat Hanh. Wishing you the freedom to find your soul truth and to live it unapologetically!

Would you like to dive further into Freedom from Shame?  We have a go at your own pace COURSE available with additional tools for your process, including yoga practices, guided meditations, and journaling guide.​  Of course you're always welcome to book a one-on-one session with Gail virtually HERE.